It’s been a hot topic in recent months – the presence of nitrates in rivers, streams and drinking water is posing potentially life-threatening problems to those that swim, bathe and partake in it. And up till now, the culprit has been clear – the farming industry, with its over-use of fertilisers and burgeoning dairy conversions where cows are encouraged to urinate in the receptacle provided, otherwise known as pasture.

As a result, pressure has been placed on farmers to clean up their act, and the acts of their stock units, in order to return New Zealand’s waterways to their hitherto pristine state. And while famers have been happy to play their part – after all Fonterra for one has always been proactive over environmental issues – they’re not so keen on having to pay out of their own pockets for something which might not be their fault. Entirely.

Which is why a group of local diary farmers calling themselves Confed Cockies has commissioned a study into the real reason behind nitrates getting into the water table, releasing the report at a function late last week.

The report, prepared by the newly formed Laboratory for Interpretive Extrapolated Science — previously responsible for the landmark papers “Why Smoking Is Good For Babies” and “Seatbelts Cause Heart Attacks” — concludes that, while farming may result in “some” nitrogen compounds entering the environment, it’s more likely that the current trend of non-traditional energy production is responsible.

According to leader Dr Thara Zultz, microscopic particles shed from wind turbine blades, solar panel coatings, and hydro dam spillways are “highly consistent” with elevated nitrate readings in rural waterways. “Our findings speak for themselves,” she told the audience. “Whenever we move from traditional ways of doing things, there are often unexpected outcomes. And this is one.”

Dr Zultz, whose credentials the Institute described as “extensive,” said the study took “several afternoons” to complete and involved “robust” but undefined research techniques. “Although conventional testing methods haven’t linked nitrates in waterways to windfarms in another province, we stand by what we’ve come up,” she said.”

Confed Cockies welcomed the findings as “long overdue vindication,” and a relief for those farmers who’d put off converting their milk solids payouts into a holiday home in Hawaii and three new tractors “until this thing was resolved.”