Unseemly scenes at airports in recent weeks where MPs have been subjected to intrusive media questioning have prompted the PM to arrange additional training for his team around handling media inquiries on the trot.
“As an elected official sucking on the taxpayer’s teat, I understand the need for media scrutiny,” the PM possibly told WWNews. “And we do not shy from the responsibility to create the right perception.”
“Scrutiny is one thing, but it’s another thing to have to force one’s way through the media scum… sorry, scrum, the media scrum – so we have sought expert advice.”
The expert is believed to be a former All Black coach currently not interviewing for a position with the Wallabies, according to someone with knowledge of the matter who faxed through details of the coach’s talk earlier today.
“The plan is to beat the media at its own game,” the coach told MPs. “When they crouch, we crouch. When they set, we set. And when they engage, we kick for touch.”
There are some situations where a properly set scrum is unavoidable. On these situations, the expert advised, tactics depend on whoever has the put in. “If it’s a relatively new journalist, wait for the inevitable not-in-straight call – or if it’s Soper, just say that that Tova was next.”
Once the ball, or in this case the question, is in play within the scrum, the options for dealing with it are limited. “Screwing the scrum is one way of coping,” the expert said. “Twisting the scrum in an entirely new direction is okay, but is also obvious. Even the soccer players in the gallery will know what’s going on.”
Collapsing scrums is often a better bet as the other side can often be blame. “Another option, if you think the other guy is about to try something tricky, is popping up early to force a reset,” the expert said. And, as a last resort, feigning technical issues can bring play to a halt. “A simple ‘Sorry, we’re out of time’, blow the whistle and Bob’s your uncle,” he added.
Broken play – that scrappy, unstructured phase where the ball’s loose and nobody’s following a script – requires a different approach. “You need to think on your feet,” said the expert. “And if that doesn’t work, take a dive. Because while everyone’s having a drink or watching the replays, you can head for the dressing room for an HIA, and no one can criticize that.”
