With just weeks to go before what’s slated to be New Zealand’s most important general election this year, all the major political parties have hit the campaign trail with truckloads of banners, promises, threats and mismatched socks as they go all out to disguise a naked grab for power as wanting the best for everyone.

And they seem to be united on that front – what’s best for everyone is supermarkets. Lots of supermarkets. No matter who gets to sit on the right of the speaker in November, supermarkets are going to be Big.

Well, apart from Opportunities and ACT. Opportunities has no policy on supermarkets per se except – in line with all of the party’s non-policies – they’ll support the policy of whoever wins. ACT hasn’t said much at all about supermarkets, preferring to concentrate on the big issues – although if boy racers do burnouts in the produce section they’ll be hit with a big fine. Big fines for burnouts will get this country back on track, make no mistake.

Both the Greens and TPM have plans for a uniquely local supermarket experience, differing slightly in approach in keeping with their voter bases. The Nats and Labour also share a vision to break up the stranglehold that Woolworths and Foodstuffs have on the supply chain with, again, slightly divergent but equally unworkable ways of going about it.

Which leaves us with NZFirst. [A terrifying thought: Ed] Winston and his team have a consistent campaign brand this cycle of breaking it up. They’re going to break up the power companies; they’re going to break up the supermarket duopoly; and they’re going to break up a constitutionally-established Crown body – the Waitangi Tribunal – because as everyone (but mostly Winston and his sidekick Matua) knows, the Tribunal is a “make-work organisation” and a “semi-judicial threat against the very essence of our democracy.” Whose democracy is not entirely clear but it’s most likely one where muddled octogenarians continue to hold the reins of power.

There are other policies on offer, many of which require the scanning of a loyalty card to gain all the benefits. Briefly put:

Labour is promising a fairer deal for all, by taxing the three or four rich people still struggling to live in New Zealand. National is taking the opposite approach, declaring there will be no new taxes as there’s no need to top up the government coffers – cutting all health, welfare and education services means they can fund landlords, developers and other oligarchs with what comes in from the few tradies who actually complete GST returns. Muggins.