Collins to return knighthood and office stationery

Beleaguered backbencher the former Judith Collins has told the Governor General she will be returning the knighthood she would have awarded herself in the 2015 New Year’s Honours List, due to unforeseen circumstances. “I unforesaw that there’s only room for one blinkered self-obsessed megalomaniacal attention-seeking bossy-boots in New Zealand politics,” Collins told WWNews in a series of emails hacked from a Fengshue website. “And since Hoskings refused to move, I had to take the logical step.”

Judy will also return three staplers, half a packet of whiteboard markers and a ream of embossed letterhead.   “There was a typo anyway,” she sad. “Apparently it’s Premier House, not Premiere.”

In other political news, suavette, posterboy and Leader of the Conversative Party Colin Craig has added another 223 law firms over the last week to the large stable he already owns, and has definite plans for their future employment.

“It’s a safety back-up contingency arrangement,” Mr Craig told WWNews in words John Keys would never risk an attempt at pronouncing. “It’s just in case not everybody votes for the Conversatives later this month. Those who don’t, they can expect legal action. So I’d need a lot of lawyers – a caseload you might say!”

Chucklefest aside, Mr Craig advised he would not be suing WWNews, because as he had already bought our legal team – Hedge Bicker and Quibble – things might get ‘a bit convoluted, almost like dinosaurs chasing their own tails.”

And even more politics, this time just the headlines:

• ACT still confident of win in Epsom as windows in Hell start to fog up,
• New Zealand First extends Kiwi Saver to newborns, and lowers the voting age to 3 minutes after conception,
• David Cunliffe leads Poles but lags behind Latvians,
• And writer unforesees aural puns don’t work as well in print.