18 self-isolating hints that preppers don’t want you to know

We live in troubled times. Obviously not for real, as Troubled Times isn’t an actual place – not even on Google Maps:

But seriously, if we’re to get through our current difficulties, and the difficulties to come after the current ones, and then the ones after that, and then it’ll be Christmas and that’s just awful at any time of the year, we’re going to have to be ready.

After extensive research, the team at WWNews has come up with a dozen sure-fire ways of making certain you’re prepared, for any eventuality*:

1. Stockpiling is selfish, anti-social, unfair on the less-fortunate, and a despicable act of betrayal. So when you go on a supermarket raid, wear dark unbranded clothing and sunglasses. Take several members of your family so they can have a trolley each – and spread items across all trolleys.
2. Do not spell trolleys as trollies.
3. Concentrate on stockpiling items that have a long shelf-life and that you will have no possible use for ever.
4. Also, concentrate on looking smug when people pass your house. Unless they are carrying pitchforks and clubs – in that case you should concentrate on looking very small.
5. When stacking your piles of stock, remember to put heavy items on the bottom of each pile. One possible exception to this rule is when you wish to convert paper towels to toilet rolls – place the upright pack on the ground, put as many cases of diced tomato as you can spare for a week on top and wait, for several weeks, while gravity does its work.
6. Do not answer the door, even when it asks seemingly important questions. It’s just trying to trick you into revealing the whereabouts of the 12 cartons of yellow and purple overlocker thread you’ve been saving for times just like this. People laughed at you then…
7. Make sure you have a list of names, addresses, phone numbers and emails of your immediate neighbours. If we have to go into lockdown, you will still be able to gloat.
8. Remember that many items have more than one use. For example, soup can be used instead of soap when you’re playing scrabble waiting for the kids to come back from trading the foodbank at St Bernadette’s.
9. Have spare sets of face masks, including some for the kids. (See above.)
10. If you’re out walking and see someone you know, call out in a friendly manner and wave from a distance. If you see someone you don’t know, just wave in a threatening manner. What they gonna do?

*Some eventualities may differ from those hitherto gazetted.