Leaders of all major New Zealand gangs are closing up shop after stern words from the Police Minister Mark Mitchell, a patched representative told WWNews.
The senior member, who WWNews has agreed not to name (because we’re not stupid), said all leaders held a Microsoft Teams meet on Thursday and decided they were fighting a losing battle against insurmountable odds, aka the Coalition Government.
“We have come to realise that being a scofflaw is not the right way to carry on,” the man said. “The Minister has set us on the right path.”
After recently introducing measures to combat gang crime, such as crushing motorbikes, banning gang patches and outlawing NZFirst, Minister Mitchell was forced to admit they had largely failed. Thinking on his feet, a habit he’d developed over years of being an irrelevant backbencher, Mitchell realised the solution was simple: name calling.
“I came right out and said it,” the Minister was thought to have told reporters. “They’re idiots, I said. And they are.”
Striking where slings, arrows, sticks and stones hadn’t, the stinging words had an immediate effect. Gang members assembled at gang pads and warehouses around the country, to hand over weapons, motorbikes, undisclosed amounts of cash, gold-plated Kia Ceratos and other ill-gotten gains.
Minister Mitchell plans to extend the new scheme to cover other aspects of policing and defence. “I’d like to see the look on Putin or Xi’s face when our boys march up and tell them a few home truths.”
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