Elon Musk, arguably the world’s richest man on a dollar per loathful quality basis, is reportedly in rehab tonight as he tries to come to terms with there not being anything left he can buy.
Mr Musk, famous for his rags to expensive but poorly fitting rags life journey, is rumoured to be the son of Lancashire pit ponies. Christened Ebye Gumm, he changed his name in the early 60s to avoid comparisons with doughty North of England soap opera characters.
In recent years a series of canny investments has provided him with more money than he could poke a stick at. Unable to find a reliable source of sticks or people to point them, Mr Musk has been forced to get rid of the cash and buy stuff instead.
Purchases of late have included a large collection of polypropylene filaments shaped to resemble hair, the world’s entire stock of AA batteries, a car manufacturing plant to provide a use for those batteries, and Mars.
But an acquisition on Wednesday seems to have thrown Mr Musk in a slough of despair and melancholy. In a characteristic showing of exuberance, joie de vivre and not-thinking-it-through, Mr Musk shelled out approximately US$5.38 squidillion plus GST to buy a full set of democracy, with the gold-plated senseless gun control add-on.
Shortly afterwards, Mr Musk collapsed and was flown by presidential helicopter down the corridor to an adjoining hospital. “It’s not just the problem of what to do with it, or finding somewhere to store it, that’s pushed him over the edge,” a close friend of someone not in any position to comment told WWNews. “It’s more what else is there? What’s left to buy? He’s in a bad way.”
Doctors are more confident however, and have said Mr Musk is on course for a full recovery, once God agrees to a cash plus stock options deal.
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