Colin Craig gives up on lawsuits

Leader of the Conversative Party and wacky funster Colin Craig is taking a break from suing people because, he says, “there’s no one left”.

Mr Craig revealed to WWNews on page two of a threatening letter from his lawyers that he has managed to issue proceedings against everyone in the entire world in just a few short weeks.  “I won’t sue on Sundays, for personal reasons,” he said.  “And Tuesday night is date-night.  But otherwise I think I’ve done bloody well.”

Mr Craig said that while he appeared to be on target last Tuesday, things had stalled.  “Then I got lucky and this morning the one remaining not-litigee slipped up and looked at me funny.  Gotcha!”  The defendant, a boy called Timmy with a squint, said he was served the summons just after nap time at the Johnsonville Playcentre but ate it.  Mr Craig said he expected the court to set aside that motion.

In other news, the country is in lock-down mode as the impending visit of The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge draws near. WWNews is pleased to be able to join in and offers readers suggestions on how to avoid causing offence to the Royal Couple.

• Do not ask to cuddle the Royal Baby. Or the Royal Mother either.  Poking Prince William in the ribs and saying “You sly old dog” is acceptable only if you’re a two-term prime minister with no interest in a third.
• Do not say “Ah, Prince George has his grandfather’s eyes, you know that Hewitt bloke”.  That’s the other son.  And nothing’s been proved.
• Do not ask Prince William to see if his mum will intercede on your behalf over the drink-drive case next Monday.  She only does that for English peers and cabinet ministers.
• Do not turn up at the garden party wearing a Yes! badge on your lapel or, worse, your sporran.  The Royals do not involve themselves in politics and anyway they still own most of Scotland, apart from three streets in Glasgow and the top half of Ben Nevis.
• If you’re in the Welsh Bar and the Prince offers to buy you a drink, don’t go top shelf.  He doesn’t carry money with him and anyway he’s just having you on.  You’re supposed to do the buying.  And his secret service guy has Midori and coke, no ice.  In a tall glass.
• Do not try to look up the Duchess of Cambridge’s skirt.  Even if she has fallen over.