Banks appealing. Maybe not to all.

A SPECIAL REPORT

Former high-flying thanks to the heel lifts politician John Banks has spent his first night not in prison after being sentenced for being guilty of getting up Kim Dotcom’s nose, but says he will appeal thanks to some “compelling” new evidence only just made up. Dug up. Discovered. Phew.

Mr Banks declined to speak to WWNews on the grounds that the microphone looked just like a sugar bowl but he did release a statement (which was recalled shortly afterwards due to a breach of parole conditions). A spokesman said later that Mr Banks, or Banksie as former friends were once instructed to call him, had found some crucial missing evidence that would prove beyond doubt, or it might have been belief, that he had no knowledge of any donations, nor mansions, helicopters or guard dogs called Heinrich. In fact, he wasn’t anywhere near consciousness for the whole period in question. Whenever that was.

Media commentators are already quoting the only person found willing to feign disgust at the lightness of Mr Banks’s sentence. “It’s like being slapped with a wet bus ticket,” Anne Greer-Ovwilton told a press conference. “Although the bus ticket would have to be really wet, otherwise he might get a paper cut. And hasn’t he suffered enough?”

Mr Banks had been sentenced to a period of community detention and some community work, although the judge’s earlier sentence was reportedly “Jesus, what a twerp”.

To the weather now so excuse me while I pull on the waterproof trousers and tighten the chinstrap of my Tilley hat. Some things just never go out in fashion.