Government announces free art materials for all former beneficiaries

The New Zealand Government, the trading arm of J Key & Chums (Panama) Ltd, has announced it will be offering free felts, pastels and butcher’s paper to all out-of-work New Zealanders recently forced to cease bludging on the state.

“It’ll give them something creative to do,” CEO John Keys told WWNews on condition we stop calling him that. “No one likes not having anything to do, or no money not to do it with, so we think we’ve come up with the perfect solution. The lucky recipients will be able to fill in their days, and nights, drawing new possible flag designs. Keeping busy and feeling patriotic are two known cures for those pesky pangs of hunger.”

Mr Keys hopes the first boxes of supplies will be dropped off in Henderson by Wednesday with other suburbs to follow shortly thereafter. Asked when his company would make a decision on the new flag, Mr Keys said he was unable to specify a date. “Nothing’s in black and white. But what I will say is when it’s revealed it will change the way New Zealanders think about a lot of things. And the way a lot of other people think about New Zealand. Or should I say Aotearoa? No, I shouldn’t – it’s not policy.”

The winner of the Official Draw The Flag Competition will be given the chance to send one child to a Charter School of their choice for a 10% reduction in fees, or feed another one from the leftovers bin at Bellamy’s.

To sport now, where in the wake of All Blacks coach Steve Hansen’s quite possibly justified attack on the over-use of Big Screen tv replays in encouraging fans to assist in refereeing decisions, the IRB (a fully-owned subsidiary of the Lining Our Pockets Old Boys Rugby Club) has announced that replays will be restricted to radio broadcasts only. “We think this will ease the pressure on the referees as well as Steve,” IRD spokesperson Andy Smaekina-d’Ashondihinside told WWNews on condition we didn’t go upstairs. “Steve can go back to doing what he does best, with short sentences, and the tv people can concentrate more on covering the silly costumes and flashers in the stands. It’s going to be better for the game all round. Or oval.” The new rule will come into force in time for people to flock to Dick Smiths and buy transistor radios.

Weather time and high winds are predicted for the ranges with lower winds at ground level, accompanied by Phil Rudd on drums and koauau.