OR: What’s that pong? Just the scent of urgency
The political editors at WWNews were as stunned as everyone else to learn that Christopher Luxon and his merry band of cut-throats, spivs and whiners has been in charge for a shade of 100 days. Yes, we thought it was longer too.
Having sat under urgency more times in three months than any government before – or hopefully since – has done in an entire term, Luxon has repealed some laws, changed some ministry names, got distracted by distractions and underwhelmed the electorate so well he rates 10 status points below shingles in the preferred Prime Minister stakes, all on his way to making New Zealand a Better Place.
To be fair, he’s achieved that aim, and here’s how:
By repealing some laws and ignoring others, the Luxon-lead gubblemint is making it easier for those with zeal, fire in their belly and entrepreneurial spirit to get ahead – mostly by getting rid of obstacles in their way.
Obstacles like poor people – by reducing benefits and taxing them more, poor people are going to find it harder to get by. So they might want to get out instead.
To facilitate that, the gubblemint is spending more on roads and unaffordable housing, and less on health care. There’s little point in wasting taxpayers’ money on hospitals to keep all those smokers alive. Although, the entire National caucus states, many good things can be achieved through sheer willpower, good health being the most notable.
The gubblemint also plans to make New Zealand a Better Place by the reduction of crime, largely by making things that were once crimes, like slum landlordiness, now aspirational business activities.
As a backup, the new Minister for Police, Mark Mitchell, has outlined how the gubblemint will bring in some new policies aimed at reducing crime and addressing the root cause of that crime and providing assistance for families so their kids don’t become criminal and that.
“We will ban gang patches,” Mr Mitchell said. “Oh yeah, and crush motor bikes,” he remembered. “Especially the gold ones. Because they’re the worst.”
Mr Mitchell was also confident the gubblemint’s plan to let recreational shooters have access to semi-automatic weapons will help make New Zealand a Better Place. “You don’t want firearms in the hands of people who aren’t trained in their use,” he said. “That’s just dumb.”
More significant roads of National Munificence are a key, sorry, major way to ensure people are able to get safely between towns and cities as they go about being entreprenurial, zealous, and wealth-accumulatory, Transport Minister Peewee Herman told WWNews. “We want to see more people getting out and about to see what their country has to offer and find ways to exploit it. So we’re working hard on removing the incentive to travel safely around their own towns and cities on public transport.”
The new Minister for Anything that Will Keep Him and His Party of Rednecks Onside Long Enough To Guarantee National Stays In Power, David Seymour, has outlined how he plans to make sure all New Zealanders are well placed to grasp, with both hands, all life has to offer, even if it’s offered to someone else who can be quickly distracted while it’s taken off them.
“We will ban free school lunches,” Mr Seymour said. “Frankly, if rich folks, who work hard as property developers and lifestyle coaches, can afford to pay someone to look after their kids and make them lunches, then why should they be disadvantaged by the lazy poor people who can’t get off their fat arses and buy a loaf of vogels and some humus once a week.”
Mr Seymour also began to outline how he planned to stay relevant once it became really obvious that he’d been duped by National but by then, reporters had decided to go down the corridors and mock the Greens.
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