A document, described as politically charged and arguing for tobacco tax, has been causing problems for the Luxon/Lead coalition because no one knows who wrote it, who paid for it or, even, who typed it up and ran it through the spell check.
Ostensibly a discussion of the health benefits of smoking five packs of unfiltered Russian cigarettes before breakfast, the paper found its way onto the desk of the new Health Minister, a member of the NZ First Party which – as discussed previously on these pages – 94% of voters didn’t want anywhere near Parliament, let alone a position of responsibility but worse things happen at sea.
The document also stated that 12 litres of nicotine is about as harmful as half a berocca tablet, and because vapes aren’t really smoking no way uh uh, removing the taxes from them will mean more people will give up smoking and take up not smoking and… no, hang on, less people will buy more vapes and avoid lower death duties… look we, may have to get back to you on that.
According to sources peering through several layers of heavy government curtains, it appears the Minister skimmed the executive summary and then inadvertently stamped the front page with the official “Yeah, let’s make this a whatchamacallit, a law, m’kay?” seal and tossed it in the out-tray, without checking for a return address on the final page.
Currently the Minister, along with other Ministers, Health Dept officials and a tour guide called Errol, are conducting their own investigations into the source of the document, having had to cancel backtracking classes for the afternoon although the Employment options after 10 months in the public sector seminar is still on.
But after some extensive investigationary journalism (all right we answered the phone) the WWNews team has unveiled the source, identity and name behind the document.
Jayden-Lee Bonnecelli, from Mrs Luxford’s Yr 6 class at Villedale Intermediate, contacted the WWNews newsdesk desk earlier today to say she had written the document during a media studies class, although she finished it off in metalwork later on as she’d finished the lead and mercury toast-rack ahead of time.
“We had to pretend we were the most evil person on the planet, and then come up with a media release to persuade people we were really not that bad,” Jayden-Lee told WWNews. “Jacinda Ardern and that Olympic break-dancer from Australia were already taken so I went for the next worst thing, a shill for the tobacco industry.”
The report was then placed on the teacher’s desk where it was mistakenly included in an envelope of lunch money rake-offs that are regularly sent in to Parliament every Tuesday.
Jayden-Lee didn’t put a name onto her project, she explained, because she thought no one would be dumb enough to think it was genuine or pass it off as genuine. “I mean like really, who’d believe them?”
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