As 2024 closes the drawer on inexorability, WWNews has pulled out all the stops to consider the big political events of the past 11 and a bit months.
Firstly, the achievements of the Luxon-lead (LuPb2) Government:
Moving right along, the Government was nonetheless busy throughout the year, introducing bold new initiatives, axing old tired Labour initiatives and trying to ignore David Seymour’s increasingly desperate attempts to salvage enough dignity to prevent National running a candidate in Epsom in 2026.
Starting with ACT’s Treaty Principles Bill… it was the deal-breaker that saw the party secure a share of the Government Benches: we’ll support you, ACT said to National, if you’ll support the bill. Sure, said National, we’ll support the bill, although they actually meant they’d let ACT have free use of the photocopier to run off a few copies and then that would be the end of it.
As we know, that wasn’t the end of it – New Zealand had to endure the most drawn-out death scene since Downstage’s production of Piaf in 1982.
(For those who couldn’t get a ticket, it took most of the second half; Piaf collapsing on stage twelve times, being revived and and getting through five more songs and about to embark on a sixth before being finally struck down, it is said, by an empty gewurtz bottle thrown by an audience member who had babysitter issues.)
Back in the real government, National ministers were having better luck. Transport Minister Simeon Brown was scarcely out of the headlines with bold new initiatives like allowing motorists to drive at motorway speeds past schools at opening and closing times, cancelling rail ferry deals because they cost too much and replacing them with new deals that might cost less if one ever gets made (more on that later), scrapping railways but buying new locomotives and, in a masterstroke, declaring a new road linking Woodville with the outside world (well, just Palmerston North but to the people of Woodville it’s very posh with flush toilets) to be a toll road.
The toll road concept did not go down well with locals, but Minister Brown was adamant – there was nothing in the rules preventing him tolling the road and it would only be four bucks for chrissakes. He hadn’t counted on the fierce opposition however, and after reading through three angry letters and a rude postcard, Brown capitulated – the road would be free to use, at least until he can get a Bill through parliament declaring Woodville a native forest that needs to cleared of all human habitation.
Police Minister Mark Mitchell was faring a lot better as he proceeded to make NZ a safer place for everyone by banning gang motorbikes and patches. To date, one Yamaha 50 step-thru and a home-stencilled t-shirt have been confiscated and people can breath a lot easier at night. Not so much during the day though, as his PM banned the EV subsidy so diesel ute sales are still booming.
In Health, cost-cutting saw Dunedin Hospital’s plans for expansion cut back to just a new coffee machine in the boardroom and fresh paint on the helipad. A leaked memo warned that redundatising hundreds of IT workers in the Health Dept could result in huge problems, with patients at risk of falling through cracks. The Health Minister was unmoved – they were falling through cracks anyway, he said, thanks to Labour not replacing floors in operating theatres over the many years they were in office.
But there was some good news at last, for the beleaguered Kiwirail ferry service. Not only was a deal really close to being signed, according to the Government, they were even closer to deciding what kind of vehicles they might buy, where they might travel between, and if they would have space for luggage and perhaps trains. And, even better, they were appointing someone to be the Minister for Rail, to show how seriously they were taking this whole business. Step forward Deputy Prime Minister and leader of some fringe party, Winston O’Baubles. That news would have no doubt encouraged Kiwirail senior management, given what Winston had just accomplished as Minister of Greyhound Racing.
And that’s all we at WWNews have time, and the stomach, for.
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