New Covid-19 Alert Levels the Government doesn’t want you to know about

Despite the Prime Minister’s continued assurances that the current Alert Level 4 is it, the number one dead-set top level with no other more important levels just sitting around in case things take a turn for the worse, intrepid WWNews reporters have been doing some digging.  Already some are halfway to China, which is probably not that smart a move given the current circumstances, while others have discovered there are in fact some other levels waiting in the wings (a figure of speech unrelated to the body parts of bats).

Alert level 5 – start sweating

The disease is not only not contained but that bloke who just passed you on the other side of the road coughed two minutes ago and you’re walking into a head wind.  As well, your mask is made from an old handkerchief and two shoelaces.

Alert level 6 – jump in the car

Bryony in the flats on the corner has texted to say a large truck has just gone down the alley behind the Four Square.  She’s not sure but it looks like they’re unloading flour.  And toilet paper.  Wait, it’s just two-ply recycled.

Alert level 7 – warning, graphic content

As the daily increase in confirmed cases has failed to keep up with the media’s demand for full colour illustrations, picture editors are forced to dig deep – and now produce graphs that chart cases by gender, tinder log-in details, colour of nasal discharge, and Hell Pizza standard order.

Alert level 8 – lockdown means lockdown

Due to ever-increasing community spread (not of the virus but of people) the list of essentials – services, occupations and food items – has been culled.  There is no longer any essential anything.  Everyone is asked to stay in the exact same place they are in/at when the alert level is raised and not to move more than 500mm in any direction. The Prime Minister understands this may cause undue hardship for many, but says that if the Health Minister hadn’t been such a dopey entitled prat we’d all be back on the beaches drinking lattes made from unpasteurised milk and snogging complete strangers.

Alert level 18 – we got this, New Zealand

Despite those tawdry ads featuring notable Kiwi has-beens, everyone in the entire country has caught the disease.  Hospitals have closed down, and new patients are being treated in repurposed fast food franchises – which means we’ve come full circle.

Note:  This article is made up, is for research purposes only and is completely untrue.  Except for the bit about David Clark.  What a tosser.