As cases of avian flu increase worldwide and vets struggle to find enough newspaper to put on their waiting room floors, New Zealand’s Coalition of the Wallies government has come up with a three point plan to stop the spread of the virus to humans.
Dr Shane Reti, Minister of Health and Cigarettes, is said to have spoken to reporters at Parliament today, with the gist of it all scribbled down on an empty Zigzag packet and poked under the door of the WWNews office.
Speaking in support of the plan, the Minister pointed out that as an island nation New Zealand was completely surrounded by water. “It’s something we have to live with,” he said. “But I would advise against drinking it. That’s Point 1.”
Point 2 of the ingenious plan is that most diseases from overseas arrive in this country across the border. “So I can honestly and off the cuff say it makes sense,” the Minister read from notes. “It makes sense that the people most at risk from contracting any diseases are those at the border and, especially in the case of avian diseases, those whose work brings them into contact with birds and other animals. But mainly birds.”
“Which brings us the the really good bit, Point 3,” the Minister beamed. “No, bear with me, it’s pretty bloody smart thinking.
Pausing to see if he was still Minister or if the PM was about to step in to clarify, the Minister then continued. “As the New Zealanders most at risk from catching bird flu and thus dying and ceasing to be able to fund other government inititiatives by purchasing cigarettes, since most of them are actually Customs and Immigration officers and Conservation workers, we are going to protect them and their families by closing down those government departments and thereby reducing staff – sorry, former staff exposure to deadly disease.”
The Minister was unable to answer questions as he had to leave for an urgent appointment – the opening of a new vape shop in one of three unused operating theatres at Starship Hospital.