Christopher Luxon, Prime Minister of New Zealand and All She Surveys, announced on Monday another kickarse plan to Make NZ Slightly Better But Not Nearly As Good As He Promised.
The plan, following on from other arse-kicking ideas like making hospitals less crowded by killing off poor people through cheaper cigarettes and not feeding their kids at school, is to make New Zealand an international events destination for obscenely rich people to run exceptionally naff events without having to worry about time- and money-wasting restrictions on health, safety and environmental issues.
Mr Luxon formulated the plan after hearing that one particularly obscene and wealthy group threatened to hold their spectacularly naff event somewhere else because of restrictive local laws.
The event, with the carbon footprint of Jonah Lomu’s football boot on top of a petri dish of bacteria [nice metaphor – Ed], involves former sportspeople in a race to see who can become the first billionaire that week by driving highly-engineered canoes around an inner city racetrack. (Running into problems early on, with most cities – apart from Wellington – reluctant to flood their CBD, the group was forced to take to the high seas.)
Event organisers have threatened never to return to this country, angered by local rules that saw racing halted because aquatic mammals were behaving aquatically in an aquatic area they (the mammals) could not possibly make squidillions of dollars of easy money from, while they (the event organisers) certainly could.
The Prime Minister, whose party is founded on the principles of easy money for rich people, has stepped in to ensure that future international events, including that one, will not be jeopardised by senseless archaic rules that, while they might protect the health and safety of New Zealanders and another aquatic mammals, prevent entrepreneurs from making a quick buck here and rushing off to spend it somewhere else.
“We want this country to become a destination point for international events,” Mr Luxon might have said but our reporter wasn’t allowed within 100 metres or three nautical miles. “We need to attract the kinds of events that will raise New Zealand’s profile on the world stage, and wharf. Otherwise, we will become, like many protected sea mammals, dead in the water.”
“The National Party is very keen to give people what they want – in this case bread and circuses,” Mr Luxon could have gone on to say. “Although sadly we do have to raise the level of taxation on some types of bread – all right, all bread – to cover the costs of some of our other policies, such as enriching already rich New Zelanders and their business partners overseas.”
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