Luxon government announces broadcasting revamp, complete with new boss

Public service model likely to return, but double time on weekends “unlikely”

New Zealand’s Luxon-led government, arguably the country’s most popular government since this time last week, has announced bold new initiatives to revamp televisual broadcasting.

After a turbulent few weeks that saw TVNZ eviscerating its news operation – apart from the appendictical Seven Sharp – and a meeting of NewsHub staff attended by more people than ever watched their network’s programmes, the government has finally released a Cabinet paper outlining the changes.

The paper, delayed by being included in a pile of urgent and important papers on the deputy PM’s desk instead of next to his travel itinerary, follows the now-familiar Luxon format of a number of bullet points, in this case seventeen, outlining just how the government plans to make state broadcasting relevant again.

“TVNZ has lost its way of late,” a spokesperson close to unoffical government sources speaking on condition of anonymity told WWNews.  “Ever since they got rid of the Goodnight Kiwi, in fact – there’s been a noticeable downward trend in viewer engagement and a lack of trust in politicians.  We aim to get those back again, probably involving – in both cases – bribery.”

Among the plan’s key bullet points is the appointment of a director general to oversee day to day operations, something that hasn’t been done since since last century, the spokesperson said.  “We think it makes sense, therefore, to have in that the role someone who’s had considerable experience in last century. And so, the current deputy prime minister, the foreign minister and the associate minister for baubles and improved media relations will get the job.” 

Other changes will involve a dedicated 24 hours news channel.  Although that might seem to be an expensive exercise as the government seeks to cut cost wherever possible, the spokesperson said it was actually a money-saver.  “We’ve cloned AI versions of Hilary Barry and Newsboy, the news itself will be outsourced from Latvia and Uruguay, and local news will be lifted from social media. Much like how Newshub was doing it.”

Local production is likely to be severely reduced.  “Shows like Shortland St have been widely considered a training ground for actors, writers, directors and catering companies,” the spokesperson explained.  “So if there won’t be any local productions, we don’t really need training gounds.”

Instead, programming schedules will be filled with overseas material which, the spokesperson insisted, will make the channel even better,.  “Many people believe there’s a Universal Truth out there, so it follows there’ll be universal dramas, comedies and realities. There’s no sense in closing our eyes and ears to the world by inward focus and navel-gazing.”

The new public broadcaster will receive a new name and branding, at the new DG’s insistence, changing from TVNZ One to TV NZ 1st. The new DG himself was unavailable for comment as he’s currently overseas selling New Zealand’s foreign policy to anyone who’ll buy it.