The Weakly Political Wound-up

Labour leader pledges to fight crime, tackle inflation, save sausage roll industry single-handedly

“I’m not sure which quite yet,” Prime Minister Hipkins told our special WWNews correspondent. “But it’ll be one of the three.”

Realistic backgrounds for all Kiwis, another key Labour policy

Hipkins, currently polling second as Preferred Prime Minster, just behind front-runner Annie Wynn-Else, is confident Labour stands a good chance of returning to the Government benches next month. “I trust the people of this country to vote for the party that they think will give them the best deal,” he said. “And if that’s Labour, well, hot diggity”

National Assistant Leader firms commitment to quitting

National’s finance spokesperson Nicola Willis has double down on her pledge to resign if National reneges on any of the policies so far announced. “As I’ve said, if we get elected, and why wouldn’t we, I mean it just makes sense, but if we do and it turns out we don’t follow through on any of the promises we’ve made along the way, I will resign,” Ms Willis said in a press conference last week.

To date, Ms Willis or indeed any of her colleagues has been unable to release details of any National policies. “We have some,” another different spokesperson said. “But they’re at the printers. Or the details are still being thrashed out, so that nothing discernible remains.”

Freedom Party declares tax cuts for all

Political wing of the Density Church, the Freedom Party, has promised to lower taxes across the board for all New Zealanders, if they win the balance of power next month.

Freedom Party finance spokesperson Paul Pitbasher with colleagues from Pastoral Care & Collections Dept

“We’ve had a look at the cumbersome tax structure currently in operation, and can see a way to simplify it,” assistant deacon and finance spokesman Paul Pitbasher told WWNews. “Should the bright lights of Heaven shine forth upon the ballot box and we get made the bosses of New Zealand, we will ask that, instead of paying fiddly amounts depending on level of income, everyone just gives us a flat 10%.” Asked what tithe-payers might expect in return, Mr Pitbasher said gifts would be manifold, including but not limited to “free rides on the Government Harley’s, discounted black t-shirts and hair product and a well-rinsed soul.”

“All we ask in return is they pay for their medical expenses, roading and other infrastructure, and bring a small envelope stuffed with cash whenever they need to see an MP,” Mr Pitbasher added.

New survey: Winston Peters can govern alone

The results of a survey, released overnight, give the first sign that if hell freezes over, that guy next door walks on the moon, the cheque does indeed turn up in Friday’s post, and NZ first gets over the threshold giving Winston Peters three more years in the Beehive, he is more than likely to be able to govern alone.

NZ First members at a recent membership drive

That won’t be because he’ll have a majority of MPs in the House – most NZ First candidates would be lucky to find their way out of a paperbag let alone get the right bus to Murphy St – but all the major political parties have refused point blank to let him anywhere near their baubles of office. Rather than enter into a protracted bargaining round, most leaders have said they’re prepared to walk way and sit on the opposition benches for as long as it takes Peters and NZ First to totally destroy NZ’s economy, social standing and genuine leather Parliamentary upholstery by chewing on it. “I’ll give it a week,” said one.