National’s new 48-point plan becomes 36 – printer malfunction likely culprit

“We ran out of paper on the last page.” PM blames Labour for running down Parliament’s stationery cupboard

Christopher Luxon, NZ’s most successful PM for the week ending April 1, 2024, has apologised to the nation for an administrative error that saw his cornerstone innovative multi-point plan presented to the public minus the last page of numbered items.

“We sent it to the inkjet, but no one checked the paper tray status,” Mr Luxon is rumoured to have to told a packed Press gallery. “I grabbed the document and put it into the fax machine without my customary careful scrutinisation procedures. When we arrived back after the announcement, it was only after we refilled the printer for a rush money printing job that the final page appeared.”

Asked why someone in the team didn’t pick up the mistake given that 48 is slightly different to 36, the PM passed over to the Minister of Finance, acknowledging that “she’s better at numbers than anyone else in the government.”

Minister Willis may have said, according to someone who was there, it was simply because the original plan was initially just bullet-pointed. “We use amusing poo emojis in the first drafts before deploying big fat dots in the final stages,” she said. “Numbering is done in the Uber on the way to the venue, often by the driver. So the discrepancy wasn’t picked up. Nor was half the delegation.”

WWNews is happy to publish, in a world exclusive, the missing 12 points:

37: Persuade country that National doesn’t intend to run NZ like a business and that the PM doesn’t think he’s CEO.

38: Find way to keep David Seymour from saying that’s been ACT policy all along, and making it a real law is the only reason he signed up as deputy assistant co-leader of the Coalition.

39: Given that National is not running NZ as a business, find ways of terminating, sorry firing non-productive citizens that look more like caring social policy.

40. Likewise 90-day trials.

41: And making private health insurance a staff, sorry citizen perk. But cutting tax deductibility for same, while making the concept of compulsory self-funded private health care seem aspirational.

42: Allow NZFirst to make some laws.

43: Ban Māori names for all government departments, towns, cities and Māori people. And lose the macron, sunshine.

44: Do not let NZFirst make any laws, and put the poo emoji back for #43.

45: Develop new social housing policies that give responsibility for building, landscaping and maintaining affordable housing to church and other volunteer groups, reducing the strain on the upcoming budget.

46: Remove charitable tax status from church and other volunteer groups, thus allowing more tax cuts for rich people.

48: Allow Minister of Finance to delegate numbering role for important government documents.

(Formally published as “National’s new 48-point plan becomes 36 due to printer malfunction” but three typos and a logical inconsistency were spotted by a sniffer dog called Barry.)