The Weakly Whirled News

19 March 2014

Car found stopped at intersection, alien terrorists and wormholes suspected

A late-model Honda Odyssey that was noticed stopped at an intersection in Kuala Lumpur is at the centre of an international search for possible explanations.

“We’re not exactly sure why the car stopped,” investigator Lou de Krisaidear told WWNews. “It may be alien abductivists at work, or it could be unknown terror squads, we’re not sure. But I’m willing to bet there is no obvious answer to this one, no sir.”

Already the Malaysian Prime Minister has announced he will be handling the investigation personally, assisted by some of the world’s finest tabloid sensationalist journalists and several dozen conspiracy theory bloggers. A spokesman for the PM said he was keeping an open mind although he would naturally be looking for answers outside of the envelope. “We will not be squaring the box this time,” the spokesman said. “Blue-sky thinking is what we need here at this moment.”

The driver of the car is in police custody, pending a full body search and forensic examination of his GPS app, according to police spokesman Snr Sgt Runnam Inanbookem. “The man is unable to state clearly whether his vehicle was hijacked or shot at by ground-to-air missiles,” he told WWNews. “He just keeps saying ‘The light was red’ over and over. Anal probes will do that to a person.”

Sources close to the investigation say more theories are being discovered by the hour, with some having a plausibility coefficient “in the high 0.0001s”. (Judith Collins is currently sitting on 0.000057, next door to Hekia Parata, to give you some idea.)

In other news, Kiwi singing sensation Lorde is refusing to let the activities of a small group of in-bred zealots impact on her career. “I’ve left Takapuna behind me,” she told WWNews. “Besides, I’ve got the Westboro Baptists to worry about.” Lorde has asked all her fans to wear rainbow-coloured clothing as this has been scientifically proven to ward off religious bigotry while making rainbow-coloured clothing manufacturers very rich.

To the weather now and the breeze formerly known as Cyclone Lusi is suing the NZ Meteorological Service for defamation, overstating the case and misrepresentation. No one from MetService was available for comment as there were delays in make-up and a lengthy wait for a go with the autocue.

14 March 2014

Judith Collins resigns

NZ Justice Minister Judith Collins has confirmed to WWNews that she has renewed her membership of the NZ Country Women’s Institute. “I re-signed for another year,” she said. “I felt it was the least I could do. And that’s what I’m good at.” Mrs Collins is expected to be reappointed as head of the Eye of Newt adjunct of the CWI, a position she’s held on and off for many years. The activities of the adjunct are not well-known as that’s the way she likes it.

In other news, weather presenters have been ravaged by overwrought clichés and dire predictions as some wind and rain occurs in parts of the country. Civil Defence spokesman Boyle Yaworter advises everyone to hunker down. “There’s a wave of hysteria building up and if it breaks, it’ll be worse than when the power went off for an hour last week. We’re looking at a one-in-a-hundred-years hyperbole deluge.”

(Older readers may recall TVNZ’s Simone Bradwell’s coverage of a hailstorm in which he described the cascade of “marbles the size of golfballs”. True story.)

Overseas now, and hundreds of 9/11 conspiracy theorists are being drafted in to help media outlets come up with possibly plausible explanations for the disappearance of that Malaysian Airlines plane. “We need all the input we can get,” Fox’s head of newsishness Lai Ng Bah Stitt told WWNews. “We seem to have alien abductions covered but we could do with some more expertise on ley-lines and NASA death-ray experiments.” Leader of the Conversative Party, Colin O’Skippie, said he was certain the accident was not an Act of God. “He moves in Mysterious Ways, not cattle-class,” he told WWNews through his lawyers.

To sports, where embattled or it could be beleaguered Hurricanes coach Mark Hammett thinks he might have found a way to reverse the ailing club’s current run of un-wins. “I’m talking to the coach of the Firebirds,” he said. (The Firebirds are Wellington’s highly-paid cricketing squad, also not winning a lot.) “Don’t interrupt with parentheticals,” he continued. “As I was saying, we’re going to swap squads. Neither of us can do any worse just now, and it’s crazy enough to… all right it’s not.”

Time for the weather, where strong winds are expected to buffet Auckland. Or you can order off the menu if you prefer.

12 March 2014

Vote on new New Zealand flag delayed

The vote on whether to change the outdated colonial hangover that no longer symbolises this go-ahead economic miracle that continually bats above its weight will not now be conducted at the same time as the vote to decide how long Winston Peters will hold the same country to ransom while he plays king-maker, according to the Prime Minister John McSmirkie Keys.

“We’ve had to shift the date of the general election for some dropkick reason that makes no real sense,” he told WWNews through a waterproofs-clad interpreter. “So it makes even less sense to postpone the flag referendum to a later date. And that’s what we’ve done.”

Mr Keys said that while having the referendum at the same time as the election might have saved “a small number of millions of dollars”, cost-benefit analysis would show that there was no real difference. “Once we work out how to fudge the figures,” he smirked.

The Prime Minister’s personal flag-like preference is for a silver fern on a black background. “It’s the symbol that sells everything from butter to violent contact sports,” he read from notes. “We… I mean it… may as well sell the whole country.”

New Zealand’s schoolchildren will be encouraged to enter a design competition to see if they can come up with something better, Mr Keys said. “It worked before when we asked for advice on asset sales, so I’m looking forward to some arty suggestions. Especially from our charter schools.”

In other news TVNZ bosses have broadened the scope and range of their scheme to root out news and current affairs staff suspected of not being loyal to the company brand. Already membership of any political party is grounds for instant dismissal and, from Monday, anyone having passed NCEA Level 1 English will be sacked on the spot. Unless they’re really pretty.

To sports and beleaguered Hurricanes coach Mark Hammett admitted he has no answers. “I’m stuck on 17 across,” he told WWNews. “If this lack of form continues I’ll have to try Sudoku.”

Over to the weather now, and there’ll be fine patches all over, largely as a result of the resurgence of interest in embroidery.

[References to Justin Beiber or Lorde have been removed for safety reasons.]

5 March 2014

Bono buys several Irish counties – plans to rehouse Africa there.

Unassuming rock legend Bono has announced he has made an offer to buy several adjoining counties in the Republic of Ireland and hopes to use the space to rehouse all the starving people of Africa.

“To be sure, it’s all green and boggy right now,” he told WWNews on condition our reporter didn’t look directly at him. “But we can fix that and no mistake diddly dee potatoes.”

Mr Bono says he will use the profits from the sale of tour t-shirts and other memorabilia, mostly to a freelance tv camera operator from New Zealand, to finance the deal which will see Kilkenny, Wexford, Waterford, Cork and Kerry leveled and replaced by large multi-storeyed housing estates built in the shape of large shamrocks.

“The starving people of Africa won’t be able to thank me enough when they see their new homes,” Mr Bono enthused. “Many won’t have seen a combo shub let alone a double-door pantry and it’s just great to know I’m able to make a difference.”

Mr Bono said he was in the early stages of writing a rock opera based on the venture, the proceeds of which will be paid into his bank account in the Caymans. “Sure and haven’t the good folk of Britain’s Inland Revenue got enough to do without worrying about me?” he smiled benignly as a single ray of sunshine lit him from behind.

5 March 2014

Telecom/Spark unveils new tv line-up

Telecom/Spark, the telco that recently changed its name from His Majesty’s NZ Post and Telegraph Office (although it’s kept some of the desks and a filing cabinet), has announced a number of the programmes that will screen on its new start-up television service, ShootMeTV.

“Obviously, we don’t have full access yet to all the shows we’d like,” ShootMeTV assistant floor manager and ACR operator Mel te Tasking (formerly known as Stan Dingbye before the rebranding) told WWNews on condition we signed up for the full package including monthly magazine and Religious Studies Extra Extra for 24 months conditions apply.

“But those programmes we do have give a clear indication of the sort of quality and range you’ll soon find on ShootMeTV. There are some new ones, some less old ones and a few classic ones to boot. And we’ll be adding new, or less old, content regularly.”

“Right now, the viewer will be able to choose from TV2’s cutting-edge 1977 soap opera A Going Concern, GloriousLeaderLive – the best of North Korean television – and Test Charts of the Sudan. And that’s just on the Premium Channel.”

If hoary old programming interrupted by cheesy ads isn’t your thing, you can opt for Premium Ad-free, which costs just a little more but contains fewer ads, usually disguised as promos.

“And for a just few dollars more a week, which is only the price of a coffee although most people have more than one coffee a week and don’t go to Starbucks, you can have the package which is proving our most popular,” Mr te Tasking upsold. “It’s just the ads, uninterrupted by programmes, promos or zany interstitials. The phones are ringing hot and the emails, when they’re not being spammed, are pouring in.”

“With ShootmeTV, you’ll never miss your favourite tv shows” smiles Mr te Tasking. “That’s because they won’t be here.”

ShootMeTV is expected to be broadcasting in August, around the same time as Telecom/Spark’s other premium business models – HangUpAndReDialMobile, SwitchOffAndWaitThirtySecondsInternet and HackEzyEmail – become available.