Category: Weakly Whirled News

Public service model likely to return, but double time on weekends “unlikely”

New Zealand’s Luxon-led government, arguably the country’s most popular government since this time last week, has announced bold new initiatives to revamp televisual broadcasting.

After a turbulent few weeks that saw TVNZ eviscerating its news operation – apart from the appendictical Seven Sharp – and a meeting of NewsHub staff attended by more people than ever watched their network’s programmes, the government has finally released a Cabinet paper outlining the changes.

The paper, delayed by being included in a pile of urgent and important papers on the deputy PM’s desk instead of next to his travel itinerary, follows the now-familiar Luxon format of a number of bullet points, in this case seventeen, outlining just how the government plans to make state broadcasting relevant again.

“TVNZ has lost its way of late,” a spokesperson close to unoffical government sources speaking on condition of anonymity told WWNews.  “Ever since they got rid of the Goodnight Kiwi, in fact – there’s been a noticeable downward trend in viewer engagement and a lack of trust in politicians.  We aim to get those back again, probably involving – in both cases – bribery.”

Among the plan’s key bullet points is the appointment of a director general to oversee day to day operations, something that hasn’t been done since since last century, the spokesperson said.  “We think it makes sense, therefore, to have in that the role someone who’s had considerable experience in last century. And so, the current deputy prime minister, the foreign minister and the associate minister for baubles and improved media relations will get the job.” 

Other changes will involve a dedicated 24 hours news channel.  Although that might seem to be an expensive exercise as the government seeks to cut cost wherever possible, the spokesperson said it was actually a money-saver.  “We’ve cloned AI versions of Hilary Barry and Newsboy, the news itself will be outsourced from Latvia and Uruguay, and local news will be lifted from social media. Much like how Newshub was doing it.”

Local production is likely to be severely reduced.  “Shows like Shortland St have been widely considered a training ground for actors, writers, directors and catering companies,” the spokesperson explained.  “So if there won’t be any local productions, we don’t really need training gounds.”

Instead, programming schedules will be filled with overseas material which, the spokesperson insisted, will make the channel even better,.  “Many people believe there’s a Universal Truth out there, so it follows there’ll be universal dramas, comedies and realities. There’s no sense in closing our eyes and ears to the world by inward focus and navel-gazing.”

The new public broadcaster will receive a new name and branding, at the new DG’s insistence, changing from TVNZ One to TV NZ 1st. The new DG himself was unavailable for comment as he’s currently overseas selling New Zealand’s foreign policy to anyone who’ll buy it.

As cases of avian flu increase worldwide and vets struggle to find enough newspaper to put on their waiting room floors, New Zealand’s Coalition of the Wallies government has come up with a three point plan to stop the spread of the virus to humans.

Dr Shane Reti, Minister of Health and Cigarettes, is said to have spoken to reporters at Parliament today, with the gist of it all scribbled down on an empty Zigzag packet and poked under the door of the WWNews office.

Speaking in support of the plan, the Minister pointed out that as an island nation New Zealand was completely surrounded by water. “It’s something we have to live with,” he said. “But I would advise against drinking it. That’s Point 1.”

Point 2 of the ingenious plan is that most diseases from overseas arrive in this country across the border. “So I can honestly and off the cuff say it makes sense,” the Minister read from notes. “It makes sense that the people most at risk from contracting any diseases are those at the border and, especially in the case of avian diseases, those whose work brings them into contact with birds and other animals. But mainly birds.”

“Which brings us the the really good bit, Point 3,” the Minister beamed. “No, bear with me, it’s pretty bloody smart thinking.

Pausing to see if he was still Minister or if the PM was about to step in to clarify, the Minister then continued. “As the New Zealanders most at risk from catching bird flu and thus dying and ceasing to be able to fund other government inititiatives by purchasing cigarettes, since most of them are actually Customs and Immigration officers and Conservation workers, we are going to protect them and their families by closing down those government departments and thereby reducing staff – sorry, former staff exposure to deadly disease.”

The Minister was unable to answer questions as he had to leave for an urgent appointment – the opening of a new vape shop in one of three unused operating theatres at Starship Hospital.

Christopher Luxon, Prime Minister of New Zealand and All She Surveys, announced on Monday another kickarse plan to Make NZ Slightly Better But Not Nearly As Good As He Promised.

The plan, following on from other arse-kicking ideas like making hospitals less crowded by killing off poor people through cheaper cigarettes and not feeding their kids at school, is to make New Zealand an international events destination for obscenely rich people to run exceptionally naff events without having to worry about time- and money-wasting restrictions on health, safety and environmental issues.

Mr Luxon formulated the plan after hearing that one particularly obscene and wealthy group threatened to hold their spectacularly naff event somewhere else because of restrictive local laws.  

The event, with the carbon footprint of Jonah Lomu’s football boot on top of a petri dish of bacteria [nice metaphor – Ed], involves former sportspeople in a race to see who can become the first billionaire that week by driving highly-engineered canoes around an inner city racetrack.  (Running into problems early on, with most cities – apart from Wellington – reluctant to flood their CBD, the group was forced to take to the high seas.)

Event organisers have threatened never to return to this country, angered by local rules that saw racing halted because aquatic mammals were behaving aquatically in an aquatic area they (the mammals) could not possibly make squidillions of dollars of easy money from, while they (the event organisers) certainly could.

The Prime Minister, whose party is founded on the principles of easy money for rich people, has stepped in to ensure that future international events, including that one, will not be jeopardised by senseless archaic rules that, while they might protect the health and safety of New Zealanders and another aquatic mammals, prevent entrepreneurs from making a quick buck here and rushing off to spend it somewhere else. 

“We want this country to become a destination point for international events,” Mr Luxon might have said but our reporter wasn’t allowed within 100 metres or three nautical miles. “We need to attract the kinds of events that will raise New Zealand’s profile on the world stage, and wharf.  Otherwise, we will become, like many protected sea mammals, dead in the water.”

“The National Party is very keen to give people what they want – in this case bread and circuses,” Mr Luxon could have gone on to say. “Although sadly we do have to raise the level of taxation on some types of bread – all right, all bread – to cover the costs of some of our other policies, such as enriching already rich New Zelanders and their business partners overseas.” 

In the wake of a mounting photoshop crisis that threatens world stability and strains credulity elsewhere, New Zealand’s Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has apologised for apparent mistakes in some local snaps published by various media outlets.

The photos, purporting to show three politicians holding the most senior roles in government, have been called out as fake.  One person unauthorised by anyone to comment told WWNews the photos had clearly been photoshopped.  “It’s obvious,” they said. “Someone, for whatever reason, has cropped out the people on either side of Luxon – the ones who would, in the real world, be in such positions of responsibility by dint of intellect and ability – and replaced them with stock photos from the Cretins and Ninnies Image Supply Centre.”

The Prime Minister would not answer a list of questions submitted by WWNews so we still don’t know where his buys his suits, but he did issue a prepared statement.

“As Prime Minister it’s my responsibilty to make sure that everything we do, say, legislate and imply on social media is true, or as close to it as makes no real difference,” Mr Luxon said.  “Therefore I take these accusations seriously, and accordingly have asked one of my staffers what they reckoned.  Turns out the complaints are unjustified.  The photos are real. Unretouched. Totes legit. Cor blimey, lawd luvaduck.”

The Prime Minister went on to explain further. “As my trusty sidekick Chris Bishop is wont to point out, the country gave us a mandate. Part of that mandate was to have the gawky bloke and the other one at the top table,” Mr Luxon said. “It’s not my fault, but as frightening as it may be, they have to be in those photos.

In other pictorial news:

In what’s become an annual event, it’s the end of the year.

To see it out, or through, the WWNews editorial team has turned no stone to uncover the major events of 2023, opting instead to make stuff up.

There are ten questions with multiple-choice answers. Some answers are less incorrect than others. Points are awarded for reading the question through to the end.

Fingers on buzzers, no conferring, your time starts now. Okay, now. Come on, what’s the hold up?