Weakly wound up for weak ending today

Shock poll result: Incumbent falls to 7th place in list of preferred Prime Ministers, out of field of four.

A recent TVNZ poll has revealed things are not as rosy for the coalition government as previously spruiked.

The PM remains buoyant however. Interviewed by WWNews by Zoom from a flotation chamber full of epsom salts and echoes, Mr Luxon told our reporter he was confident the coalition government would achieve everything they’d set out to do. 

“We’ve destroyed the health system, the education system, retirement prospects for most of the remaining boomers out there and nearly all prospects for everyone else,” he smiled. “Tick, tick, tick and tic. And what’s more, the nation’s coffers will soon be full to overflowing once Winston wins his various lawsuits and is awarded costs.”

Speaking of whom, but not necessarily, an unnamed source within NZFirst told WWNews that, after crunching the data contained in that poll and reading a few Australian newspapers, it’s clear that NZFirst could govern alone. “No one wants anything to do with us,” the source said.

Other analysis of the poll results paints a slightly different picture, more hogarth than pollock, suggesting that Labour, TPM and the Greens had sufficient numbers to govern. Having sufficient numbers has of course always been a key part of the Greens’ preparations before writing their key policies.

In other news, a senior spokesman claiming to speak for the ACT party has rubbished claims published in a story in Stuff, that New Zealanders were struggling to afford to pay for basic items like rent, retirement, their car, eating out and insurance.

“That’s nonsense,” the spokesman, who declined to be named as everyone would know who was listening at the keyhole, said. “Under ACT policies, landlords are now getting sufficient tax breaks to be able to offer reasonable rents, there will soon be more jobs so people will be able to keep working into their 90s, and if you don’t want to drive to a restaurant you can just get uber eats.”

There were affordable insurance options as well, the spokesman said. “There are cheap insurance deals to be had, ranging from none at all to stupidly high excess. People can get whatever level of coverage they want, even a shroud.”