Transport Minister Simeon Brown is working hard to ensure his time in office won’t be forgotten with his latest announcement that the country’s speed limits will revert to pre-1840 levels.
“There were none back then,” he told WWNews. “And yet the nation seemed to prosper and the road toll was nowhere near the carnage seen under Labour.”
The changes will see drivers encouraged to drive at over 100km/h through school grounds during lunchbreaks while texting and watching TikTok reels on their devices.
On the highways, all speed limits will be abolished, with police snipers stationed on overpasses to deter old people in Kia Ceratos from holding other traffic below the speed of sound.
National said (really, we’re not making this up – this is true) speeding up traffic was not just about getting people where they wanted to go faster; but would boost productivity and economic activity. Mainly in the emergency and funeral services sector. (That bit was not as true.)
This follows Mr Brown’s clever plan to put tolls on many new roads. “We won’t be tolling all roads, rest assured of that,” he told WWNews earlier. “Just the ones people actually want to travel on. The ones that go nowhere, or are falling off hillsides – they’re still perfectly safe, and free to use.”
Mr Brown ‘s only regret is that he’s not involved in the Luxon government’s bold new initiative to improve the interisland ferry service to levels not seen since 1840, at a cost of just under $1 billion. “That’s Nicki’s baby,” he told WWNews. “I just wish I could have been involved with the unplugging of the bathwater.”
PUBLISHER’S NOTE: Prime Minister Luxon and his team are very keen to point out they went to the electorate on this and other issues. What they forget is 62% of the electorate told them to jam their policies where the sun doesn’t shine. 91% didn’t want a bar of one eventual coalition partner, ACT, and a whopping 94% told Winston to stay the fuck away from Parliament grounds at least until 2026. Hardly a ringing endorsement innit?
Brilliant Doug.
thumbsup emoji