National Party unveils raft of new policies

Sink or swim moment as Luxon wades in

In the run-up to the election, the leader of the Chris Luxon led National Party, Chris Luxon, has unveiled a raft of new policies to put more money in the pockets of those voters who have been lucky enough to have had deep pockets for many years.

Among them is a new no-fault eviction law that will enable landlords to evict tenants through no fault of their own. “We see landlords often blamed for sub-standard rentals,” Mr Luxon said in a press release. “But often, in fact almost always, these things are beyond anyone’s control and landlords are actually the victims, more than the tenants. So under a National government, tenants will be responsible for ensuring any instances of black mould, asbestos dust falling from the ceiling, rat infestations and no floorboards are repaired as soon as possible, and financially compensate the landlord for any hurt feelings.”

National’s deputy leader and chief Luxon body double, Nicola Willis, agreed. “That’s my job,” she said. “I agree.”

Unknown Norwegian explorer working on early version of National’s raft, later abandoned because it used unsustainable timbers instead of unsustainable policies

There are several other policies on the raft, Mr Luxon said. “It’s a big raft, floating high on a wave of change.” According to independent research, rafts are also rudderless, drift with any tide and are often found washed up and abandoned.