There are as many crackpot theories on how to stay healthy and free from lice as there are health food bookshops eager to sell them. Ranging from Fat-free to the Israeli Army Diet 7 Day Diet (day three is rusks, pre-softened by Palestinian babies), these regimes promise eternal life and a full head of hair for anyone willing to buy the books, supplements and pseudo-science.
As a public service, WWNews presents a handy guide to the top five.
1: Paleo. The Paleo diet is based on what our prehistoric ancestors are thought to have eaten. Given that there were no Common Sense Organics shops back then or woolly mammoths today, some changes have had to be made. Basically, charred hedgehog, pickled trilobite and liverwort in lemon will keep you fit and active until your friends tire of hearing about it and bludgeon you with your own shillelagh.
2: Atkins: There’s hope for all those suffering from extreme halitosis and acne. Blame it on the Atkins – and you don’t even have to do it. It’s just the Paleo anyway, with more ice-cream.
3: Raw water: The raw water diet is based on the theory that the easiest way to avoid all the poisons in our food is to stop eating completely. Some think it’s a pity the people who came up with this don’t suffer from airborne allergen-induced asthma.
3: Gluten and Lactose free. Studies have shown that over half the world’s population is incredibly susceptible to the suggestion that bread and cheese are bad for you. Everyone else is intolerant of that kind of intolerance. Scientists are hoping to find some sort of common ground to give those who needlessly eschew gluten and lactose something palatable to eat.
4: The Mediterranean diet. Studies have shown that people from the Mediterranean region are a lot healthier that those from, say, Glasgow because of the profusion of tomatoes, basil, parmesan and cheap chianti in their day-to-day diet. Other studies suggest it’s because Seven Sharp isn’t shown there. Yet.
5: The Vegan Diet. Place your vegan in a large pot and fill with water, placing a large stone on top of the vegan to keep it under the surface. Simmer for eight hours. Discard the water and vegan and eat the rock, garnished with some bacon and foie gras.