A middle-aged tabby tomcat called Brian was seen to stir this morning and almost roll over before going back to sleep, while his owner googled possible treatments for a stubbed toe, sources reported.
“It was uncanny,” said one. “It was almost like the cat knew something was terribly wrong and was thinking about offering some sympathy but was too tired.”
“Yeah,” said another.
Brian and his owner had been close for several months due to both being locked in the hot water cupboard, and it’s not the first time the cat has reacted to the owner being in pain.
“Just the other day I was a bit slow opening the single serve steak tartare and he sunk his claws into my leg,” the owner who didn’t want to be named said. “When I screamed he sort of smiled. Next time I’ll get a gorilla – they seem to have more empathy. The dirt box will need to be bigger but.”
The Huffington Post was offered an exclusive but declined to run with the story, citing a backlog of psychic wombat reportage.
In other news, Nicky Hager is planning to publish another book, based on freshly stolen emails sent in by an anonymous source. “People will be stunned, and shocked,” he told WWNews on condition we agreed to serialise the first fifty chapters. “Members of the Nigerian royal family are planning to flood New Zealand with their ill-gotten gains and marriageable women, to the detriment of everyone else. You will be very surprised to find Judith Collins and Cameron Slater are not involved. Well, not in that way. Yuck.” The book is set to be released next Friday, after serving two-thirds of its sentences.
To sports where, following Tiger Woods’ request to be not considered for inclusion in the Rider Cup team, Sonny Bill Williams has declined to be selected for the either All Blacks or the Kiwi league squad. “No, I don’t want to be arksed,” he told WWNews. “Definitely not. Oh, all right then. But this is the last time, okay?”
Weather now, and Wellington has reportedly been hit by lightening. Vitiligo is no respecter of age, gender or political belief.
Brian’s employee is in lala land, and no, I don’t mean he’s garbed in grey and winking at tall corpulent men.* The proper triage for a stubbed toe is to jump up and down, swear a lot, and blame the last earthquake or election for shifting the boundaries.
*watch for my reply to the riveting exposé Kim’s in Laila-land upcoming news, which sources tell me promises to be a doozy. Not many know of her former riveting career.