New bicycle paths have sinister purpose says Hager

Prime Minister John Keys’s announcement of another three and a half metres of cycle track through New Zealand’s scenic wonderland has been roundly decried as an electoral bribe or, worse, a way to deflect the public’s attention from the growing ‘dirty tricks’ scandal, but left-wing activist Nicky Hager says the real truth is even more sinister.

“I have good reason to believe the cycle path is to be used for SIS purposes,” Mr Hager told WWNews on a tweeter feed routed through Uzbekistan with a time-adjustment app so we will actually be interviewing him next Monday. “Spies need to be able to get around the country at speed and unnoticed, and a cycle path would be the ideal way to do this.” Mr Hager cites sources within the clothing industry that claim two dozen pairs of lycra bike shorts were delivered to a secret address at 2-12 Aitken Street in Wellington late last night. At the same time a truck was seen unloading several top-of-the-range electrically assisted folding bicycles.

“That is highly unusual,” Mr Hager said. “Normally trucks don’t unload themselves, people do. Not surprisingly, I will be discussing the wholesale side-lining of members of the Transport Workers’ Union in a chapter of my new book.”

Right-wing blogger Cameron Slater was unable to comment as he was too busy hacking. “He really needs a sharper pizza knife,” a close friend told WWNews.

In sports, All Black coach Steve Hansen says winning 18 games on the trot was never going to happen. “We needed to canter, perhaps even dash, for some of it,” he told WWNews through an interpreter and a mesh screen.

To the weather now, and the Met Office says there will soon be a solution to those unseasonal temperatures. “We’ll be dumping salt and pepper from an altitude of 40,000 feet,” a spokesperson said.