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Kim Jong-un to stand in Labour leadership race

New-Zealand-ParliamentNorth Korean head of state and Lord High Fan-bearer on the Right Side of the Sun Kim Jong-un has announced he will throw his hat in the ring in the upcoming election of leader of the Labour Party.

In a statement read out by Hat-Thrower Plenipotentiary Song Sung Boo, the Divine Propagator Pursuivant said he was looking forward to taking his rightful place in the comfiest chair at the top table of New Zealand’s pre-eminent socialist party. “For too long, Labour has swayed from its true path like the trunk of an elephant with terrible hayfever and I am best placed to steer the correct course,” he is said to have said. “I urge all party members, union delegates and left-wing facebook revisionists to support me or be fed to the dogs, possibly metaphorically but possibly not. The flame-throwers are already on stand-by.”

The Master of the Sacred Palace of Wisdom and Bons Mots said he had withdrawn from public life in his homeland in order to prepare fully for the task ahead. Preparations include a re-reading of all seven volumes of How to be a Labour Leader by Stuart Nash (as told to Shane Jones), intensive media training under the tutelage of world experts and/or Pam Corkery and fashion tips from Mr Philip of Gossamer-Goff.

Worshipful Eternity for Life Kim said he was looking forward to filling the shoes of Michael Joseph Savage and Norman Kirk, “provided the heels can be adapted in an uppermost way”.

Nominations for the leader’s position will close on Tuesday unless they outnumber the number of voters before then.

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