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British PM names new head of Health Service

David-CameronPrime Minister of Britain except for parts of Scotland where they think his bum’s oot the windae David Cameron has just announced former fading rockstar and occasional humanitarian Sir Bob Geldof will take over as CEO of Britain’s ailing health service in the New Year.

“Mr Sir Geldof is ideally suited to dragging this country’s health system back into the middle-ages when it was at its finest,” Mr Cameron told WWNews even though we showed no signs of a public school education and ate soup scooping towards us. “He has displayed qualities of leadership, flair and near-perfect pitch that have long been lacking in our once-proud hospitals, clinics and ambulances. And in his hey-day, Mr Sir Bob has known the effect of queues around the block on the bottom-line.”

Mr Cameron went on to say that Sir Bob had more than proved he was up to the task. “His record is impeccable,” Mr Cameron said. “No to mention gold-plated. Sir G has already cured famine and disease in Africa, and shortly Ebola as well, through the judicious application of pop music – something traditional medicine and its inability to stretch the niggardly funding it gets from the government has failed to do. We desperately need someone with vision to help us through this dark patch and if we can’t get that person, some publicity-seeking singers and a 30 year-old ditty is our next best option.”

Sir Bob has already announced a fresh line-up of stars – including Cilla Black and Paul Potts – will record a new version of the song, renamed Blow Your Nose with Tissues, in time to raise awareness and some cash for the 2015 flu and cold season. Around the same time a similar line-up will record a similar sounding tune aimed at increasing the use of dietary fibre supplements, Just Say No to Fissures.

All money raised will be use in an appropriate way said the Prime Minister. “We need to be perfectly clear not a single penny will find its way in the Government’s coffers. Instead it will be diverted into a new offshore account under the careful eye of our new Chancellor of the Exchequer, Mr Lord Bono of Ballyphart.”

Sir Bob couldn’t be reached for comment, sources saying he was too busy trying to find a rhyme for ‘dyspepsia’.

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