The NZHerlad, Auckland’s most read (and blue) daily morning newspaper with ‘NZ’ in the title has unveiled plans to ensure its readers get their news faster from its pages than from any other source, including the media.
Announcing the move, Head of Factuality Marketing Barry-don Paychernine said that traditional newsgathering was too slow. “In this modern age where technology is now accessible to almost everyone, people expect to be kept up-to-date instantlier than ever before,” he told WWNews on condition we didn’t release details of this morning’s nine-letter word. “And that’s why we’re going to speed up the process.”
Under the new scheme, innovative freshly developed software will sort through the world’s twitter feed every three milliseconds, categorising tweets and placing them in order of funfactedness on the Herlad webpage.
“This means our readers will know exactly what’s going on in the world as soon as it happens, or someone thinks it happens,” Mr Paychernine explained. “The product won’t be slowed down by old-fashioned cumbersome and frankly prehistoric processes such as journalism, spelling and fact-checking – and that means faster access to the latest hot stories that the world’s talking about than ever before!”
Mr Paychernine also pointed out that restricting articles to 100-ish characters would stop the over-use of adjectives, nouns and verbs that “tend to slow down the enjoyment factor. People don’t want to mess about– if there’s any comprehending to be done, someone else can do it.”