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Paul Henry to helm for Team New Zealand

reggiecuCelebrity autocue reader Paul Henry has joined the crew of Team New Zealand for the forthcoming America’s Cup, it was announced today.

Team spokesperson Leigh Keffery-Ting told WWNews, on condition we would deny ever talking, that Mr Henry would be joining the syndicate in the very near future and would be taking over the helmsman’s duties from whoever had them at the moment.

“It might still be Dean, or it might be that new kid – no-one’s quite sure at the moment,” she read from a neatly typed press release. “And it’s not Dolts [sic] as he’s too busy pulling the strings, or the ropes or whatever they’re called. Sheets? Don’t mind if I do.”

“We feel Paul has the right attributes for the job,” she continued. “He’s very lightweight which is important when you’re looking for speed, and he’s used to changing tack at a moment’s notice, which is vital in this game.”

Mr Henry’s already busy schedule will be impacted upon once racing commences, Ms Keffery-Ting said. “The race committee has agreed to looking at starting the races after Paul comes off air in the mornings and finishing before his speaking engagements in the evenings. Oh, and he has a nap around lunchtime.”

Mr Henry declined to respond to WWNews’s faxed questions as we hadn’t filled out the direct debit form correctly.

In other news, forensic testing presented in court last week proved conclusively that brain tissue found on Mark Lundy’s shirt couldn’t possibly have come from him.

And in sports – where the Scottish cricket squad has already signed a bulk deal to be extras on Mel Gibson’s new film “Well burn my bannocks, England’s oot the cuppie”.

To the weather, where it’s predicted to be fine everywhere, remitted to community service in parts of Hamilton and Christchurch.


  1. f dx f dx 22 February 2015

    That fella Barker, he has lost the cup and errr failed to get it back several times. No point in flogging that dead cat.

    • Doug Coutts Doug Coutts Post author | 22 February 2015

      Dancing on graves is still considered a sport.

  2. robert DeLong robert DeLong 23 February 2015

    The last Cup was won by Larry Ellison’s money, HE was able to illegally modify his boats and it has never been honestly investigated. That is not Barkers problem. There is too much arrogance and disrespect at the top. When Ellison changed all the rules to race unconventional cats, it destroyed a race that is the oldest racing event in sporting history. A mreal shame but I am choosing the Volvo Ocean race instead of the Americas Cup. A far fairer and equal race.

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