John Keys, New Zealand’s second most popular Prime Minister since Jacinda Ardern, has told WWNews in an exclusive interview that he has decided his government needs a spin doctor.
“It’s becoming increasingly obvious that the government’s spin has been a bit out of sorts lately,” he said. “It’s been off its food, spending a lot of time lying on the sofa watching Rachel Hunter reality shows and generally not working as well as we expect it to. So we’re going to get it to the doctor.”
Mr Keys said signs the spin was in trouble began to show up around the announcement of the new flag, worsened during the TPPA talks, and got near-terminal with the All Blacks announcement. “Richie copped a hospital pass there,” he said. “He wasn’t supposed to announce the winning flag design but he got Sir Peter’s script by mistake. Richie was meant to be inviting 3000 Syrian refugees to bed down in his Skyline garage.”
Mr Keys believes there should be no trouble finding a spin doctor, even one willing to make house call. “The Herald has been shedding hacks like fleas leaping from a Frontlined labrador,” he said. “And since spelling and grammar are not an essential part of spinnery, we should be able to pick and chose.” Professionalism, a strong sense of ethics, compassion and an open mind would not automatically rule out a candidate, Mr Keys added, because “the Human Rights Commission gets a bit PC over job descriptions.”