Press "Enter" to skip to content

Bill English: “If they didn’t mind that, they’ll love these!”

Former Prime Ministerial hopeful and current Minister of Finance Bill English has a long list of things he’s absolutely certain true blue Kiwis won’t mind, now they’ve shown how relaxed they are over Ministerial junkets at the Rugby World Cup final.

Following closely on the heels of PM John Keys’s beersies with the boysies after the semi-final success, Mr English announced that sending highly effective intellectual heavyweights such as Jonathon Coleman (a real doctor) to feign interest in a corporate box was a necessary part of getting through the predicted budget surplus (estimated to be more that $3.57) as quickly as possible.

“We’ve worked hard to achieve that surplus,” he told WWNews via Skype from a resort in an undisclosed (but it looked quite warm and there were palm trees) location. “So it would be a criminal act if we were to waste it unnecessarily. Instead we’re spending it widely, I mean wisely.”

Mr English pointed out that taxpayers had already been softened up by the Prime Minister, who had warned them to expect huge hotel bills, although not as huge now that most chains had withdrawn the porn channel, and added that Ministers eating at fancy restaurants and quaffing $2000 glasses of “fizzy wine” would be raising New Zealand’s profile. “Waiters will soon learn that average Kiwis are great tippers, for a start,” he said.

Mr English stated that for New Zealand to keep up the pretence of having a rock star economy, its elected officials should behave like rock stars. “We’ve had consultants in, like that Mr Rudd of Tauranga – he’s shown us a thing or two.”

Confident of the nation’s we-don’t-mindedness, Mr English went on to detail some other items that he’s sure won’t cause much of a fuss.

“The overly complicated system of tax-cuts will go, and that messy Kiwi Saver – who’s got time to work out all their entitlements? So we’re going to do everyone a favour and scrap it, and put the money into a trust account, in some other country offshore,” he said.

“And hospital waiting lists – they’re a real pain too, aren’t they? We’ll do away with them, by closing all the hospitals. And that means Pharmac can go, which should make everyone happy.”

“And as for the flag referendumses, the ones no one wants – they’re gone. The Prime Minister will pick one for us – I’m sure no one will mind.”

1445739667347The Prime Minister couldn’t be reached for comment as his head was so far up Richie McCaw’s arse there was no cellphone coverage.

One Comment

  1. Yvonne Taylor Yvonne Taylor 30 October 2015

    Very funny, very believable. esp the information about cellphone coverage.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *