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PM announces retirement: “Two World Cups is enough!”

New Zealand’s most winningest Rugby World Cup Prime Minister John Keys has announced he will not lead the All Blacks to victory in 2019, saying it’s time someone else had a go.

“I’ve had a great time inspiring and leading from the front as the guys have won back to back RWCses, but it might be time for a fresh pair of hands on the rudder,” an emotional Mr Keys told WWNews in an exclusive interview inside the All Blacks’ beer chiller. “The boys have had a great time being in my presence and I’m sure they have enjoyed basking in the limelight that surrounds me, which no doubt has helped them perform almost as well on the field as I have in real life.”

Mr Keys paid tribute to several team non-playing team members who had been of great assistance during the lengthy campaign. “I don’t want to embarrass them by naming names but they know who they are, and who I am,” he said. “And without guys like that turning up week after week, I wouldn’t have been able to get the great results I’ve achieved.”

While a successor to take on to the country’s top job has yet to be named, Cpl Willie Apiata VC has been tipped as a front runner, with Lydia Ko and Rachel Glucina a close second.

Mr Keys was reluctant to say what he might turn his considerable talents to once he left the All Blacks squad, but ruled out running the country. “It’s not really my thing,” he said. “I might try show business – I’ve had several offers – or a book. Apparently they’re good fun to read.”


  1. Owen McCarthy Owen McCarthy 1 November 2015

    My vote is for Julie Christie. It’s purely shonky journalism and hangovers that lead to her non-inclusion as a viable successor to our beloved leader.

  2. JB JB 2 November 2015

    Funny, but his last name is Key, not Keys…

    • Doug Coutts Doug Coutts Post author | 2 November 2015

      He’s always Keys here. He gets it from that Hoskings fellow.

  3. Jax Jax 2 November 2015

    Brilliant Doug .Thankyou.
    Sleeping on smile inducing satire is sweet!
    I love it when people call him Keys too.
    True respect deservingly earnt is when they get your name right.


  4. Brigid Brigid 3 November 2015

    I’m sure his last name is Keys. I know for sure his first name is Jong

  5. Michelle Scullion Michelle Scullion 4 November 2015

    Great Doug – damn funny and a wee bit true – Yes Keys and Hoskings deserve the tespect you show them – love it

  6. Michelle Scullion Michelle Scullion 4 November 2015

    Or rather – the respect, yes that’s right, respect – ha ha

  7. Michelle Scullion Michelle Scullion 4 November 2015

    Or rather – the respect – (Note to self – I must learn how to spell that word)

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