Eight essential facts about Covid-19 that the Government doesn’t want you to know

As with any plague of Biblical proportions, it’s important to be able to sort the facts from the articles. The following seven paragraphs will be no help at all.

Where did Covid-19 come from?

Although some media organisations continue to cling to the disproven theory involving bats, country and western music and a kebab stall in downtown Ulan Bator, it is now accepted that the virus was created in a secret laboratory in the basement of National Party headquarters in Newmarket.

Samples of Simon Bridges’ earwax were mixed with bile extracted from a still-living Judith Collins and injected into a dormant plantar wart virus. The resultant super-bug was then smuggled out of the country in tins of infant formula destined for the Chinese market, with sensors set to pop the lids as an American recruiting sergeant stopped to ask directions.

Yes but why?

Because. Because studio moon landings, building 7, David Seymour. C’mon, open your eyes and get real.

What are the symptoms?

The symptoms of an attack of Covid-19 include runny nose, runny pantyhose, either or both of those, a hacking cough, a coughing hack, pain in the credulox receptors (both head and knee) and anything else.

What do I do if I think I might test positive for Covid-19?

First of all, go online, avoiding any website that has govt in the name. Then call the Ministry of Health hotline – 0800 STAYONHOLD – and while you’re waiting write down a list of your movements (the travel ones, not the others – that comes later), who you were with, whether they were displaying symptoms or were just annoying and what the weather was like. If you haven’t spoken to a Ministry official by this time, rewrite the list, this time in joined up printing, and browse the internet for cut-price funeral directors.

What about self-isolating?

It’s a good idea. However, if you think you might test positive for Covid-19, self-isolation is essential. Make sure windows and door frames are sealed with duct tape, apart from the door you’re going to have to use to get out to Bunnings and get more duct tape, as well as a few extra packets of toilet paper from Countdown. Be sure to take antiseptic wipes with you, in case you need to jam them in the eyes of the person trying to take the last pallet of loo roll.

When will I know it’s safe to come out again?

Listen for five long blasts on the fire brigade siren. This signifies the producers of MAFS NZ have been tracked down and strung upside down underneath the Auckland Harbour Bridge. All will be right with the world once more.