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PM announces workaround to cover ministerial shortages

Labour cabinet shrinkage not due to doing dirty laundry on hot wash, Hipkins admits

The Prime Minister, Chris Hipkins, freely admits he’s running low on suitable candidates to replace the cabinet ministers he’s lost recently, through no fault of his own.

“I have nothing to do with ministerial appointments,” he told WWNews staff at an informal meeting. “I just write the job titles on little red post-its and put them on the chairs in the cabinet room. People chose where they want to sit.”

The Prime Chippy at an earlier, unsuccessful cabinet minister recruitment round

It’s clear the system is not working, he says. “It’s clear the system isn’t working. Which is why I’ve come up with a better one. When we need a new minister, we’re going to get a real one. A real minister. From a proper church and everything.”

PM Hipkins thinks real ministers won’t need much training and will be able to hit the ground running. “They are already adept at speaking to crowds, are perceived as honest and are used to quickly thinking up plausible explanations for implausible things,” he said. “Plus on the rare occasion they might try and put the fear of God into ministerial staff, at least it’s a proper god.”

The first new cabinet minister minister will start early next month, according to the PM. “They’ll be introduced to the caucus at a special meeting. We’ll pass the plate, which is going to make the Higher Salaries Commission very happy too.”

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